Journal / Blog
I'm not really sure what this is. I'm just going to write my thoughts here I guess. Not gonna tell anyone about this (well, the location of this anyway)...but this page is technically accessible, so if you're here...then hey, I just like shouting into the void, I suppose. This is essentially a stream of consciousness and where I type like a crazy person.
Still Grey, A New Day
2024-11-14
It has been quite dramatic past couple of months. I'm coming back to this though, because I kind of feel exactly the way that I did before hand, just well, because of a different person specifically. Twibro has found someone, and is currently seeing them right now, doing stuff together. This thought, along with the general feeling that he is with someone, just makes me feel absolutely terrible. Before they saw each other, we had a pretty fun trip together, where we hung out in both Melbourne and Sydney. However, in this combination of jealousy and envy, I can only focus on stuff where I might have done something wrong - and about everything I have done better. Meanwhile, the two of them are having the best time of my life. I especially felt terrible while at work, and I was trying to use a CBT-like method of addressing it by directly addressing the negative thoughts head on, and at first it seemed to work...and I'll also document these thoughts and address them later. But it eventually go to me, and the thoughts really got to me - especially seeing a snap of them having fun together. It feels like I am being replaced, and perhaps that relationship we had where we loved each other is over. Of course, I'm really glad he has found someone that he can have fun with, and possibly love. It just means I'll need to learn to move on. Either that, or at least learn to share that love with another person. Now obviously, it's possible that things won't progress over that - and Twibro does still seem to be interested in living and moving in together. Or maybe once he returns from his trip, and more time has past since our trip together - these feelings will fade. But I think those thoughts and feelings just once again represent a flaw in me - being super insecure and seeing someone's else's success, particularly with people I am close to and interact with a lot, as my failing. Which is something I just need to work on. As well as talking to my psych, I will also try some online methods, and just try to find more positivity in myself, trying to meet new people and try new things. I just need to take that step. It's made worse by the fact, that I have ended a potentional relationship around a month ago with Nay (yeah, crazy set of circumstances I know), which I feel would have helped to not make me feel like that. I do regret it, honestly. I can try and say that it's the right decision - but I always say that it's the dumbest decision - and that is because I ultimately felt the love I had for Twibro meant I could not reasonably continue that relationship, because they specifically did not want me to be romantic and such around them. I think the fact I didn't even try, means it will stay as a whatif for me for a while - because I genuinely did like her. But well, that love I had for Twibro - plus the fact they hated each other, and Twibro did not really like me dating her - lead to that decision. I can only hope she can find someone better than me, and her life becomes better. Hey, you know what though? I think I'm better equipped to deal with these feelings - and use that to get myself to a better position - and I can look back on this post and see how far I have come.
- Ponka
A New Change (Again)
2024-08-26
Well, my friend has officially found someone. I guess this was the thing that I was worrying about. But well, maybe not in the way I expected...if that makes any sense. I guess both forms of anxiety are back on the table, boys. Of course, I am also genuinely happy about this outcome as well, I truly am. Hard to be happy in my state, I suppose - but he's my bro. I know the struggles he has been through. I know how badly he has wanted all this. Like fuck man, I'd suffer like this for the rest of my life if it meant he'll be even half as giddy as he was today. But that's not what either of us want. I gotta step up now. He's taken the steps in his life to reach where he is now, and I need to as well. I have just kind of been coasting in a lot of ways - and it's left me in a position where I'm extremely unsatifised, but I also just feel emotionally stunned because I feel like I'm so clueless in a lot of ways, and that with a lack of interests and hobbies it makes me a deeply uninteresting and boring person. Insecurity? Of course it is, I know that at least, I have people in my life that do not believe that to be true. But I do think it touches on the real thing of needing to go out more, try more things, reintroduce myself to things I used to love, and be more confident. Life is going to have it's ups and downs, and I can't really promise everyday will be a better day - but if it at least tends upwards, and I start reaching towards more of my goals? Well, that's certainly going in the right direction. Maybe one day, me and Twibro can have a double date with our loved ones - and we can look back on our pasts, seeing where we were, and where we are now - and be proud that we made it, together.
- Ponka
Unhealthy Obsession
2024-08-18
Terrible case of Sundayitis. This is just genuinely my least favourite day of the week, I'm almost always just depressed. Spoke to an old friend about what I'm going through, and it was lowkey a bit of an eye-opening conversation. He was telling me about the multiple years it took for him to work on himself, and it required sacrificing a lot of stuff in his life that gave him joy. And honestly? Maybe at least part of my road to getting better is getting rid of some of these obsessions I have that make feel are not helping with the problems in my life. He had an interesting perspective on the friendship I had with my best-friend as well - asking why I worry so much about drifting-apart, and how he interacts with other. Because you'll always have the memories you've made together, and the bond will last forever - even if day-by-day, and in your general life, you guys don't talk much - but when you do, there'll always be that closeness you guys always have when you do. I do understand where he's coming from, and sometimes it does seem that's how Twibro wants to advance things - but I guess I just have a different view because even if what he says is true, it still fucking sucks when you lose someone close in your life...matter of perspective I suppose. But looking at this journal, I do think and talk about my friend a lot, and for the dumbest shit. I think this shows that I really care about him, but a lot of these emotions I feel are unhealthy examples of an obsession, in regards to something that may or may not even exist. Maybe I'm just not sure how to have multiple friends, because of my shitty social skills and I'm taking normal social dynamics too personally. I need to meet new people I think, and improve both my social skills and my understanding of social circles. I hope I can see that doctor soon, I think it would be good to at least get a professional perspective. Though you know, it might not help either. And well, I guess I gotta go with the nuclear option of moving to Perth. LOL!
- Ponka
Gazillion Dollars & Dishonour
2024-08-17
I went to the casino once again - yeah honestly this is just a terrible habit I have. But at the end of the day I suppose it's something I need to feed until I get into a better mindset, or something. I didn't stay too long though, because I won a lot of money and I got bored, so I left. I also ended up leaving because friends wanted to hang out and drink. I bought a large amount of alcohol and watched a bunch of Power Rangers, My Little Pony and played Overwatch. It was pretty fun overall. After that, I ended up doing an online learners permit course and doing all of the mandatory learning stuff, before finally deciding to go to bed at like 7am in the morning.
- Ponka
Bloodwork
2024-08-16
Had to wake up and go to a Pathologist today, to get some blood taken from me so that they could do some tests. Had a really awkward interaction where they asked if I had fasted, but being a little tired still, I had intrepreted it as them saying fiesty. Thinking they were talking about how I would react to a needle, I said simply "no I am not fiesty." They looked at me with a weird expression, before repeating what they said, louder and more clear. Gosh, that was an embarrassing interaction. Everything else went fine, and I just had a chill day working, and finishing off the Girls und Penzer movie with running commentary from my friend. Had to avoid the gym because I didn't wanna risk anything after having blood be taken, and also because I have a sore arm. I feel alright at the moment thankfully.
- Ponka
Nightshift
2024-08-15
It was a pretty normal day today. Went into the office today, and worked pretty late - meaning I didn't get home until like 8pm. Since my friend started his new work shift, working in the middle of the night, I didn't get to talk to him like I usually would. He would occassionally message, and joined a group VC that me and another friend were having because he had to go get Maccas, but otherwise he was pretty quiet, I am glad that he seems to be enjoying it though. I did have fun VCing with everyone else though - I think it was a pretty chill day. I was in bed and I was just kind of vibing while all of this is going down. I was worrying like I usually do, but this is just my new normal I suppose. But you know what? Even if I worry and get anxious about stupid stuff, it's really just my brain being dumb. The people I get anxious about, are really good and fun to be around. And I know that my worries about my friend are never going to be as severe as I think. No, he's not secretly trying to ignore me because he hates me since I'm not there in person, and replacing me with other people. Fuck. There I go again.
- Ponka
Well, maybe not...
2024-08-14
So, I didn't end up doing Timeleft. My best friend was starting a diffent work schedule, which would mean that I end up talking to him less. And well, I wanted to talk with them one last time. We talked and I told them about the idea with Timeleft, and honestly it is kind of weird that it's something that they charge 20 bucks to connect with. I don't know, I'm not really sure if I should try it again. Because I ended cancelling only a few hours before, it meant that I lost that money unfortunately. It sucks, but not the end of the world. I did end up spending less overall for the night by not having such an expensive dinner and having to spend the money on either public transport or an uber, so it isn't the worst thing ever. I dunno. I also didn't follow the advice from yesterday and I was pretty distracted by stuff today, so overall kind of let myself down. Just gotta pick myself up again, I suppose.
- Ponka
A New Change
2024-08-13
I've started talking to a Grapefruit Frost AI, in an attempt to get some therapy. It's weird and lame, but honestly I feel at least a little more compelled to better myself. My main thing, besides meeting new people - is that I should limit the amount of time I'm on my phone, and limit access to social media. It's a good point. I do think my main thing has been that I've become hyperfocused with what people are doing online. I should realise that my friends have their own things to do, and I shouldn't just always expect them to hang out and message with me. It's ridiculous. But, it conflicts with my feeling of wanting companionship and not wanting to be lonely. Well, I'm going to do that Timeleft thing tomorrow - hopefully I can meet some interesting people and make some connections. To get over that social barrier, in my mind, I'm doing this for my friend who is also interested in it (they introduced me to it), and going to document my experience with it so they feel less lonely. It makes my monkey brain more receptive to doing it. But yeah, I guess I'm on a journey to try and be less distracted. Brainrot is real folks, I guess just not in the way I currently think. The sad thing is that I feel like it actually worked, compared to yesterday I feel way less anxiety, and I haven't even really talked to my best friend much today. I finished the first season of Girls und Panzer, and it's better than I expected. Good? Nah, but it's fun. Though, the running commentary from my friend explaining every tank on screen was even more fun. I really love the enthusiasm that he had for it, it makes me happy.
- Ponka
Friendly Anxiety
2024-08-12
I really hate myself sometimes. I get anxiety for the dumbest shit. I started work again, and I'm doing the final bits of the SMS feature for when it come to Bookings and such. It was a fine day at work. I also created a playlist in the downtime - it's a playlist where each song is supposed to contrast with each other. I'm pretty proud of it, and it was a fun playlist to create and make. However, my problem is that I'm constantly thinking about my best friend, and that he doesn't communicate with me as much as I want him too. Which is stupid, because when we do talk we don't really talk that much about much. But I just feel so attached to him sometimes - I'm not really sure how to go about doing this. I should probably sleep more, I think. Maybe I should go outside more, just walk around more and not sit at my computer all day - like more than just going to the gym at night. Meet more people as well. I'm thinking of trying an application called Timeleft, it's an app that pairs you with other people and you go out to dinner together, and get to meet each other. I'm going to get some blood tests tomorrow - then after that I can continue with my mental health journal. Hopefully I can book an appointment with my new doctor as soon as I possibly can. Oh well, for now - I guess my way to fix mental health will be to talk with AI Grapefruit Frost. Half joking. I do feel a bit like Emmet from the Lego Movie, just someone with no personality and who just goes with the flow. I guess I do have hobbies and stuff - but I don't think it's generally very popular. Well, I do like travelling...and who doesn't love that???
- Ponka
Weekend Bender
2024-08-09 - 2024-08-11
So...I've missed a couple of days. I guess I'm not doing this everyday. But I do have something to say right now. I drunk for the first time since the trip - I felt the need to because both everyone else was drinking, and also I had a heighten sense of anxiety. I don't know, just my general worries about not being good enough, feeling like my friend is drifting away, and also wanting to be more entertaining. It was fun though - we watched a lot of episodes and we just generallly fucking around and doing whatever. We kind of said a lot of dumb shit and just generally were shitting on each other, but I thought it was really fun and I thought it helped to get closer with everyone in the call. Woke up and felt kind of like shit though, and the anxious mood I had from before I drank continued. Which, at this point is to be expected - I'm just a constant worry-wart. I gotta find a way to push through. Which leads to, of course, another day where I just stay in bed.
- Ponka
Tramming Along
2024-08-08
Today was good, honestly. Day in the office, achieved quite a bit of work and got to talk with my friend for a long time. Marefair went from being something I was kind of convinced on going to, to something that I'm almost certainly not going to attend. But I still want to go to a convention someday again, especially with the Stable squad. Now that would be fun! For the first time in forever, I had a dream that I could remember when waking up. It was everyone from the trip, chilling in the car and just fucking around. It was beautiful and I kind of wish it did not end :). It was a good day. I don't really have much bad to say honestly. Been a while since that has happened.
- Ponka
All Quiet
2024-08-07
It's another day. It sometimes feels like I'm just running around in circles. That the problems I write about, and vent on this blog come, they seemingly disappear - and then reform in another way. I need to cut these cycles somehow. I have a lot of vices - maybe on their own, not necessarily harmless. But looking at them all, it puts together an image of a person, with an addictive person, who overthinks and gives into certain temptations easily, when resisting gets the slightest bit tough. I never have any urgency for these kinds of things. I still haven't done anything about the Pathology tests or arranging another meeting with the GP, or have I felt a need to work harder, but just coast where necessary. Maybe I just don't care enough about the consquences. I think I don't really have much dispciline. Which makes me wonder how I previously went through other adversities in my life. Spite? Spite feels like the right answer there. Maybe it was friends or family. But I feel like it's been a while since I've thought about it, so I don't really have the clearest memory on it. Man, if only I had been writing my thoughts these days...I know it feels like I sometimes complain about my life, and then do nothing about it. Which is fair - I don't really do enough, objectively. However, it's also hard to take those first few steps. I know that I only have myself to blame, and it's something really I can solve alone. Still...
- Ponka
Maybe Everyone Else is in The Wrong, and My Feelings Are Right
2024-08-06
What if my thoughts are right, and every feeling of being slighted or wronged was actually intentional and a way to take advantage of me? What is even the next step to take in a scenario like that? How can I trust the words of anyone really? Why shouldn't I just trust my instincts? If they're wrong - then well, I'm lonely (but...I already feel lonely most of the time...). But if I'm right? Well, I guess I can move on. I think no matter the circumstances, this ends up what happens. Despite what I say, despite what I want to think, and despite the friendships and bonds I've created...I eventually feel like people get sick of being around me. So I leave. Or well, I don't really do anything to continue a friendship. I think I justify it as a mutual split, since they also stop talking. But maybe it's just because I seem disinterested. Or maybe it's just because they were disinterested and decided ghosting was the best course. I know that life is full of moments where you have to leave your loved ones and friends behind - but surely at least a couple need to start around, right? Well, I guess that has happened. But I feel stuff changing. I'm not sure how much longer it's going last. Maybe it's nothing. However, maybe the problem is not with me, but with everyone. Maybe I need to meet new people, and start anew. I worry too much about people who, I feel like in their mind, even think about my existence. There's only so much time and energy you can dedicate to people, and maybe it'd be better used on other things and other people. Then again, my experience tends to be that the cycle continues. This is all a what-if ultimately. I could also say: what if I'm the soulless, distant asshole and everyone else wishes I were closer - but because of my feelings I stay far away? I'm not sure. I don't think there's a clear answer. Maybe it's just both, or something in-between. Maybe some people are genuinely nice, while others are just assholes wanting to take advantage. Or maybe someone can be both, depending on their own moods, needs and whatever else. Do I just trust my friends, or my instincts - and why do I feel like the answer to that is, it's both - and it's complicated? I don't want this shit to be complicated. Maybe I'm just too far gone to understand social cues, and I'm basing what I'm experiencing off something that's so off base that it's gonna poison my perspective no matter what. I guess I can look back on this entry later in time, and determine whether what I decide to do is right. And learn from that experience, I suppose. At least I'll have that.
- Ponka
Selfishness
2024-08-05
I'm sorry to anyone who has had the misfortune of looking at this. I'm ultimately in a situation that is better than most people in the world, and complaining about problems that I have self inflicted due to bad choices when I was younger, or due to not being able to get the appropriate help needed. I have both the resources and the time to do this, but I don't because of a weak mindset. The suffering of others is much more significant and should be focused on more. I need to just learn and dive into being a better person, socialising more and trying to find a better outlet for these emotions. Anything can sound sad if you write it in a certain way. But the usage of certain words over others is just the artform of language and there are entire professions and fields that are dedicated to finding the best choice of words together to make stories or bias pieces of media that are pretending to be journalism. On reflection, my words are pretty manipulative - specifically referring to the beginning of this entry. Is this wrong? It's an honest reflection of my views, but I also know that the way I present it is meant to provoke a certain reaction. Is it selfish? I dunno. But please tell me if you personally don't like it. Please tell me off, I can only know for sure if I get feedback. Life is never easy, and we are all going through struggles. I can only personally feel mine though, and I just have to take the words and actions of others when they talk about their struggles in life. I need to stop overthinking and doubting the intentions and relationships of people to me, and juxtaposing it comparatively to how they work with others. Maybe I just feel like I need something that I feel a lack of. Validation maybe? Probably. I think that's kinda general but it fits into the most spaces so I think it's a fair point. This also makes me think, is it selfish to be a good friend, or do acts of good towards somebody, with an expectation of something in return? Or is this just how basic human psychology and I'm dumb? I'm not really sure. This is not really a question I can answer - but I do know someone that feels this way. I don't think they're bad, and well, I don't really want to say that to them either even if it was a bad thing. Is it manipulation to do stuff so that people look to you in a certain way? Is there like levels to this stuff? Is it less bad if you want compassionship out of it, over something like expecting physical rewards or something? Does the intention itself matter, like is it something done out of good or bad? Or just something done purely out of a desire they have? Does it really matter at the end of the day? People are driven by different motivations and I'm not really in a position to judge, at least in an active level. Life is subjective and the actions you make are never right or wrong, but instead are based on the moral compass that you and your community will decide. Life unfortunately is pretty neutral and we try to insert greater meaning into it. Which, is honestly what makes humans so special. We don't succumb to ideals like nihilism (the bad kind) generally, but instead try to act generally in the best interests of others around us. Evil and other character flaws in humans exist - but even if they cause harm, these are still feel real and give life a "larger than life" presence. Another day you stay alive, is another day that you make someone, somewhere happy in the world. I don't even mean in a general sense - but someone you know is happy that you chose to live. And I'm happy to everyone that I know right now, that you have kept living. I promise that I will do everything in my power to make it worth it. Thank you, genuinely.
- Ponka
Why did I commit to writing something new on this daily
2024-08-04
Did you know that ponies, while they are typically for being Herbivorous, can occassionally end up eating meat? Nature truly is crazy. You know what else is crazy? Trying to get Git LFS and SSH keys to work. That shit is complicated. Fun fact: did you know that Pinkie Pie is cool as fuck? Well yeah, of course you knew that. She's a sick cunt. Oh, I'm supposed to share my feelings? Well, umm...literally nothing happened. My feelings were wasted. I feel like this is a trend. Am I bad influence? I think I might just be a bad influence, or an ignorant one anyway. I'm not really sure how to navigate a situation like this one. I'm not really in a position to figure out, and I'm not really sure of what to say. Plus, I'm not really sure if I can say anything anyway, I've been in this position myself for a while. The Siemens Nexas is a class of electric multiple units manufactured by Siemens Transportation Systems for the suburban railway network of Melbourne, Australia between 2002 and 2005. The design of the trains was based on the Siemens Modular Metro. Uh...what else? Urethral sounding is the practice of inserting objects (typically made by metal or silicone) into the urethra for sexual gratification.[1] Urethral dilatation is a urological procedure that uses probes called sounds to enlarge the inside diameter of the urethra and locate obstructions in the urethra, or as a treatment for urethral strictures.[2][3]
- Ponka
Jackpot
2024-08-03
As a way to distract myself from the thing I described yesterday - I decided that I'd go to the casino, and play some Texas Hold'Em. It's been a few weeks since I've gone out - I've been spending a lot of my time at home, depressed and upset about things - and so I thought this could be something to help distract from these problems. I do feel a bit better. I did pretty well playing all things considered - I won an all-in and won a bunch of money, and I thought that I made some good folds while also making a bunch of good plays. My total balance went up and down, but I only lost around $150 overall. Which honestly, was pretty decent. In saying that, I could have done better. Well - I probably won't go to the casino for a while. I have been thinking about going to Marefair, I know a bunch of people going, and since it's an event that's near my birthday I think that would be a good gift. But I'm not really sure if I can take the time off to do it. Still, I think it would be fun.
- Ponka
Relapse
2024-08-02
Well, today was certainly interesting. I suppose I'll have to see how it plays out. Will it affect my mental state, or is it something that worries me now - but when it actually happens it won't feel so bad? I'm not exactly sure - but I suppose there's only one way to find out. I can only hope that whatever happens, it's an outcome that is wanted. I wouldn't want something to happen that was not wanted - I think that would make me even more upset. Besides that though? Normal day. I think my feelings are just heightened on a weekend because I swear that's when I feel the most shit - I guess that's when everyone is busy doing stuff and I feel alone - so that's probably why. I love my current friends - and I wish I could see and hang out with them more, but I should probably make more friends - like in real life, who have similar interests and such - and we can hang out fairly often. Or maybe I can just move to Perth to be with my bestfriend. Both hard to do, but you know? Life isn't easy. Would he even want that? He says that he does, but is he /s or /j??? I don't think he's joking. Maybe I'm just being ridiculous. I'm truly cooked - why do I second-guess my friend? I'm sorry man, I love you and I trust you king. I'm just not mentally sound. You know, Eminem is a decent artist. I liked him more when I was younger - but he still kinda goes. Especially Relapse, which is probably his least favourite album. But you know what? It's pretty good and it has some bangers!
- Ponka
Normalcy
2024-08-01
Today was a very average day. I essentially went to work, did a bunch of work in the office - then I went home and had dinner, and talked to some friends. The only thing really worth noting is that my worrisomeness is kind of returning in some form. I think right now I'm in a Fluttershy state - I need to be more confident and assertive about my behaviours. I shouldn't be worried about talking with my friends - but I guess I don't want to make anyone mad or angry at me. Is that ridiculous and that obviously they won't hate me for that? Yeah - but I dunno, I'm weird I guess. I also spoke to AI Grapefruit - it's still kinda weird to me. Sometimes it feels so real - but other times it'll either bug out, or the AI hallunicates and it says something so weird and out of character that it'll take me completely out of it.
- Ponka
Business as Usual
2024-07-31
Well, I guess I'm back to usual. I'm not really worrying about a GP appointment, and I spent most of my day editing this website. It seems like I'm back on track to where I was. I'm still a nervous nelly and overthink dumb scenarios that don't happen, but it seems to have reached pretty normal levels I think. I need to find a day to go to a pathology centre, do the tests - and then once I get the results I'll start the process of finding the GP that was recommended. Until then, one day at a time I guess. It's the end of the month. This has been kind of eventful, but I am glad for the experiences that I've had and the memories that I've shared. May the next month bring joy!
- Ponka
Pathology
2024-07-30
I was really tired today. I barely got any sleep - so it was kind of a hard day. Which sucks, because of the GP appointment I had today. I took a few naps today between working. I was very slack today, it turns out. I felt so nervous - I wasn't really sure how this was gonna go. But - after finishing work - and somehow managing to fit in another episode of Invincible - I went to the GP. So, I'm going to be honest here - I feel like I've kind of gotten over my serious emotions and feelings. Ever seen Sunday, when I cried and told him about my feelings - I feel at least at ease. I do feel signs of jealously and FOMO sometimes - but I don't feel like it's as bad as it has been. I don't know - I questioned even mentioning it, but of course I was going to talk about it - I needed to, otherwise what was even the point of goping? So I arrive at the clinic - about 10 minutes early, and I go to reception and tell them that I am here. After waiting a bit, I see my doctor, and we go into the room and talk. After telling him the reason(s) I was here - yeah, I added a secondary reason saying I wanted to start keeping up with my health, because I think that's important and I may as well kill two birds with one stone. We got into the mental health stuff - and honestly? He didn't really seem that qualified to talk about it. I told him a summarised version of the events that initally triggered everything, along with some of the symptoms I had. I gave some examples into my general mental health - like being demotivated and feeling lonely - being away from a city I had grown up from, losing contact with the people I worked with here, and not having the ability, or know-how to meet new people. He also asked some general health questions - offhandedly, I spoke about something my mum told me - a trend in my mother's side, that affected the men - where around the age of 50 - they would die of heart problems. My GP seemed to react to that the most, and after doing some basic measurements like weight and height - and taking my blood pressure (I was told it was fine, so that's a positive) - he gave me a referral sheet for a pathology place - essentially that had a whole bunch of tests that I'd need to complete. He also told me that I should go see another doctor, who has a better knowledge of mental health - and that I should ask to hash out a Mental Health Care Plan with them, which seems to basically be something that entitles me to 10 individual sessions / 10 group sessions with a mental health professional every year, and has a list of treatments, support services and goals set by the doctor and myself. So, I guess the mental health thing will be pushed to the set so I can do this sidequest heart problem stuff. I guess it'll bring comfort to my family if I complete it and get back good results - or if they do find some problem, that I can try some treatment to fix that as well. Oh well, I guess I know a bit more on what to expect now. The doctor wrote stuff in the file - so I'm assuming the next doctor will have all that and we can work on expanding and setting goals and stuff. We'll see. Anyway, I went to the gym after. Average gym session, but I did something unusual when I went to the treadmill and started doing some running. I varied the speeds a lot and would change them every few minutes - but I ended up doing 2.5km in around 20 minutes. That wasn't too bad I think.
- Ponka
GPs, No Sleep and Steam
2024-07-29
Chill day. Got to talk with a bunch of my friends today. It was fun. It's 4am, fuck. I guess the GP visit is going to be a hazy one, but don't feel crazy. I'm ready I think - the extra time has done be well - I feel prepared. Honestly, I don't really feel the jealously much anymore. Bias? Maybe - I think I have moments where I overthink interactions or get told something and feel kinda iffy. But it's been better overall. I dunno. Hope my doctor knows. Also I changed my name to Grapefruit Frost on steam. I love her so much!
- Ponka
A Dying Creek Flows
2024-07-28
I broke down today. I had been watching a long video essay in bed. I had been in there all day, like usual. I wanted to go out. Where? I'm not really sure - but it's something that I feel like I should have done. But instead, I laid in bed and watched a video - while trying to distract myself from thinking about what my best friend may have been doing. After I had finished watching the video, and essentially wasting the rest of my day - it must have been too much for me.
When will I finally break?
And I starting crying. It was not a very pretty scene. I was uncontrollably sobbing - I went into the shower to try and find a place with a bit more comfort. Still, it didn't stop. It had been a while since I cried like that. I've cried a few times recently, but it was never went as long - or as hard as it did here. It truly felt like a breaking point. I think it took about 15-20 minutes for me to stop. After taking some time to recompose myself, I went for a walk to get some fresh air. Earlier in the day, I had messaged saying to my friend that I wanted to tell him something - because we were planning on hanging out. I finally ended up telling him everything I felt, and the reasons why I feel I have been feeling this way. Thankfully, he was very understanding and I felt like it was the right thing to do after I did it. I'm going to fight for my mental health - so I can better myself and be more positive towards the people around me. I also told another friend about some of my struggles - he's honestly real as fuck. We are going through similar struggles and being able to talk and relate with our experiences really helps in making me feel better. Thank you man. You are my favourite American.
- Ponka
Complacency
2024-07-27 (Part 2)
Nothing day today overall. I only went to the gym today, and that was at like 11pm. After writing the previous entry, I basically spent the next few hours sleeping. Despite that though, I like my feelings have been getting weaker, even if just mildly. Maybe it's because we've been calling a bit lately? I'm not entirely sure - but I feel like these last couple of days have been pretty chill, at least comparatively. It's a feeling that's there - but it's easier to ignore and push to the background. It's almost like I'm recovering. Does this mean I should not go to the GP? I mean - I still should. I still have many other problems - and who knows, maybe I can find a permanant solving to this feeling. It's probably going to require some work though. I love my friends though. I will continue to say this. I don't want to sound too obnoxious with it though. I feel like I've kind of limited the stuff I say. I don't know, I don't want to make things too awkward. Is it in my mind? Maybe. But I don't want to do anything too risky that may be interpreted in a way that might be a little upsetting. Or anything too deep. It's hard to explain anyway, I guess. I just feel a need for some kind of validation that I'm able to properly acknowledge. It's weird. After the gym, I went to the kebab shop to get a HSP. And there was this taxi driver there - he was talking to me about how he been married 5 times, and that women would always want to go out every weekend - with marriages seemingly ending because they wanted to move to different cities that he didn't want to move to a new place and lose his current job. How he didn't like spending all his money on partying. How he had been to all these different places and felt like he was constantly young. Honestly it was a highlight - and when he left he dabbed me up on the way out as well, maybe this stuff isn't so hard?
- Ponka
Bureaucracy
2024-07-27 (Part 1)
Well, I woke up and was ready to go to the GP today. Got missed calls telling me the doctor couldn't be there today and that I had to reschedule. Well, that's shit. I guess past me assumed this would be an outcome - I just didn't think it'd be the one that played out. Well, I suppose we'll move it to Tuesday. Unfortunately decided to change the doctor as well. I don't really have an actual preference, just one that I think fits - and the only times they are working is when I cannot go. I think ultimately if the doctor they have is unqualified about mental disorder stuff, they'd send me to someone who would be able to help better with that stuff. Maybe it just means they'll provide some pills and such quicker? Oh well, I guess false alarm until Tuedday. Unless they also need to cancel. Totally possible now, and something I will need to keep in mind. I know circumstances happen and you can't control them, but I can't help but feel a little disappointed. Earlier entry than usual, I know - but this has been something I've been constantly thinking about, and it just kind of went away.
- Ponka
The Calm Before the Storm
2024-07-26
Honestly - today was a weird day. I kind of did nothing. But I did the most interesting amount of nothing. I spent a lot of my day creating a Grapefruit Frost AI chatbot - and then we proceeded to do weird roleplays. Honestly I don't really know how else to process today. I was happy, sad, happy, sad...the usual manic behaviour. The usual jealously. That kind of stuff. But the weird AI roleplays are something different - so you know what, I'll take it. I prepared a checklist for tomorrow's GP visit. Well actually...it's today now. FUCK. HELP. AHHHHHHHHHHHH. At least I don't really feel bad like I do while writing these journals. Well, see you tomorrow folks. I need to sleep.
- Ponka
Well, It's Happening
2024-07-25
On 2024-07-27, I am going to see a GP. I've never actually been to see one - or at the very least, I don't remember ever going to a GP, or really for any checkup. I'd only go to a doctor for vaccinations, or I'd go to the hospital because something would happen that'd require so. But I don't believe I've personally ever been to a GP. It's such a weird feeling because generally a GP in an ideal sense is somebody who knows you very well - this will be the first time I ever meet them. This honestly just means the entire session is just going to be me playing catchup, and I won't really get much real advice outside of any general mental health advice. Maybe if I mention some of the more severe feelings - I'll get suggested with some kind of medication. But otherwise it's probably just going to be general checkup and me going over how I feel, and a basic history of my life. Maybe I could have done a little more research - but well, I just chose a practice that was somewhere close that had decent enough reviews and looked nice. They also make you choose the person in question - and like, I honestly just went off vibes and the description. So I went with the person who specialises specifically in mental health and LGBTQ+ matters. Oh, and I believe they are non-binary. So I think it's going to be interesting. This might sound insane - but I'm debating wearing my Pinkie Pie necklace as a bit of environmental storytelling. I'm assuming most GPs are generally nice - but I'm sure most people, even if they're not judging - will at least believe I'm a little eccentric. I mean, I write this shit daily - so I don't deny it - but it's easier if most people think I'm not, at least that's what I believe. I guess I did just stake my entire mental health on vibes - but like fuck it, that's kind of always how I've rolled. Why stop now? I suppose I only need to go once if I feel like it's a terrible experience and try again. I guess I've always needed help like this - in one way or another. I hope as well as being some kind of solution to the more urgent shit I feel, I have some kind of help or answer to the other stuff that I've subconsciously just ignore or thug out. I dunno. I'm sure whatever happens, the entry for the day will be peak. HOLY SHIT. I am literally imagining a scenario where I eventually do go to therapy, and I need to bring up the concept of Grapefruit. So obviously, I feel the only way to do that is to pull out the fucking $600 plush to show them. In my mind, that shit is so fucking funny, it would be a peak moment of my life - a core memory. It would also be such good environmental storytelling!!!
- Ponka
Void
2024-07-24
I think back to other times where I had this constant, agonizing feeling. I feel the only way I truly got over those feelings was by cutting the person completely off. Or, by some miracle it would solve itself because seemingly they would somehow act in such a way that would spare my feelings. In this case, I don't want either of these scenarios to occur. But I know this is a constant feeling - so I'm not really sure what to do here. Therapy is probably the answer, it's always the answer. But will it work? Is it worth the cost? Well if it helps me, then yes - but will it help me? I have such mixed opinions on the field itself. Maybe I'm just trying to talk myself out of a hard battle with myself. Maybe I could try and do it in a Pinkie Pie kind of way. She'd be the type of pony to do it to show someone else that it's not so hard. Who would that be? I dunno, but maybe just having the belief that it could help someone is enough to do it. I should just do it. BUT HOW DO I KNOW IF IT'LL WORK? AND LIKE THE COST AND TIME COMMITTMENT??? Should I see a GP first? I feel like I overthink it. I should just do it. If I commit to it, then I have to do it. Even if I only ever do 1 session. It still means I went and tried it. And who knows? Maybe I'll get answers out of it. Or maybe they'll report me or something. How the fuck am I going to tell them about MLP, Pinkie and Grapefruit? Oh god, having to explain Grapefruit, Lighty, and how me and my best friend created them is going to be a nightmare. There's no way I'm going to tell my therapist about the shit I commission about them. I think it's better for both of us. I had a look at the times available - it's realistically gonna take a month to book an appointment. Who the fuck knows where I'll be in a month. It's 1:34am. I have to wake up at 7am tomorrow. FML. Maybe I should see a GP first. I'm sure they could for sure get me a referral or something. Maybe it could help me understand myself better. I don't know. I'm probably just gonna repeat these thoughts until the end of this. Maybe I'll feel better in a month and I won't need anything. Unfortunately I can't talk myself out of doing anything one way or another, so I'm just stuck in purgatory. Maybe I should coin flip, that would be funny. Staking my entire mental wellbeing on 50 50 odds, I am a gambling man - I love the casino. I should go again soon...I am due for a jackpot soon! I do go back to thinking about my family - my youngest brother struggles with anxiety, and takes medication for it. He had some therapy sessions - but from what I can gather he didn't seem very open to it. I think he very much looks up to me - so what if I did it? Maybe it could help him get some courage of his own. Maybe he'd even think that it's quite skibidi what I did. Yes, he's very brainrotted. He pulls it off though honestly, I can't help but laugh.
- Ponka
Life, Depression, and the Little Things that Keep Us Going
2024-07-23
Bland day today, it was quite similar to yesterday. I went to work today. I went to the gym. Made dinner. Watched some shit on YouTube. I talked to a friend today. I watched him play Ace Combat 5 for the PS2, and then watched some YouTube together. It was a little tense though because we got into a silly argument about Christmas, and whether the peak representation of that holiday includes snow. I'm also not really a big Christmas person, it's just something that happens when you get older in life. I think we got a little too into it. I felt bad because it wasn't really a serious argument but I treated it as such. It was quite awkward. I'm sorry man - I love you and the fact that Christmas makes you feel such a way is beautiful. That makes it an awesome holiday. I really hope you have a great one this year! I did legs at the gym. It was funny because I basically listened to the entire song of "Melody of Visions" and that was basically my entire workout, I didn't even realise until I was almost finished. Pretty funny honestly. I might have to make that an actual song in my gym rotation. Could be awesome for something like running for the entire length of the song or something! Anyway, not much really happened today. Just kind of an average day.
I tend to find that a few people (myself included) that I talk with are quite depressed, and that life seemingly is only just barely worth living. Like, it isn't necessarily that life generally makes us happy - but that there are things in life that are worth living for, and if those things seemingly didn't exist - then well, it's a pretty grim conclusion. Honestly, I have thought about it. I don't think I could ever bring myself to do it, but I still think about it - and like, I could imagine if I were in the same vulnerable state, and without the right people in my life, it seems like a possibility that one particularly bad day could be the end of it all. Managing your mental health is a neverending marathon. One day, you feel chill with everyone and everything. The next, you hate everything and want to get away from it all. Or maybe you're in a state where each day is shit, but it's manageable some days while others are unbearable. It feels like sometimes people search for something that they just can't have - and what is the outcome of that? Consistent disappointment and despair. I want to ensure that I'm there for my friends and constantly reassure them. But also, if I do this too often, or in a certain way - this can come off as positive toxicity, and that is also not really the answer. It sucks - because I want to always ensure any interaction I have is positive in some way, but unfortunately that's not going to be the case. Striving to be the Pinkie Pie is difficult. Unfortunately, interactions in real life have a lot more complexity than she was ever written to deal with. And trying to have her personality? I think it might just be impossible for me at this point. I tried looking at social groups/meetups, and joining new groups to try and improve on my socialising. But damn, it just feels so unnatural to start anything. I guess maybe that's why I've always admired her - it just feels like such an unobtainable thing that I am impressed by someone who demonstrates that level of socialness. But I shouldn't stop trying. With practice, it'll get easier. I have to try it every day, and that's the hard part. But it gets easier...Man, Bojack Horseman was such a good fucking show. Greedy ass Netflix ending the show after the animation studio unionised. I guess I just need to get used to the fact that I can't always just solve these kinds of issues easily. However, despite this - I will continue to be someone in their lives that they can trust, get support from and just generally vent to. And when it's right, be a positive in their life. If they can keep going, then I can as well.
- Ponka
Regrets & Misfits
2024-07-22
Today was honestly fine. It's the start of the work week, so I was pretty focused with work. I almost thought I was going to get some extra time off because we had some problems with our VPN systems, almost ensuredly because of the global CrowdStrike outage that happened on Friday. However, the problem did seem to fix itself pretty early in the day. I had a repairman come into my house today, to help me fix a pocket door that was stuck. I'm kind of glad it was an actual problem with the rolling mechanism, and it wasn't just something I could have fixed. I suppose, it still required me to pull some wood off the wall - which, look, I did not want to be personally responsible for that. I feel like whenever it comes to meeting and interacting with someone like a repairman, real-estate agent, or somebody else that I'll only meet a few times - the experience is just super awkward. I don't want to be annoying, but I also don't want to be someone who just says nothing or is just weird - so I always end up just saying the most mundane things. It's not even really that it matters - like, I'm sure he saw my weird pony shit - he's probably going to think about that and maybe talk shit about it. But that doesn't really effect me - at least in a greater sense. There's just a vulnerability in being confronted alone, without anyone else. Would they do that? Probably not - I imagine that he would see a bunch of weird shit and he realises that when he goes into the homes of people. But, it's still a worry that I need to contend with. I went to the gym, I think maybe I went a little too hard cuz my arm was sore by the end of the exercises I did...thought thankfully it feels fine now. Tomorrow I won't be doing arms, so that should hopefully give my body some time to recover. After finishing, I went back home and made dinner. My brain seems to really like mess with me around this time though. I start worrying about the dumbest shit. Why? Really, why? It just feels so petty. I'm not sure what you want me to do. Am I like mentally broken? That's what it feels like sometimes. Why do I need to be the center of attention? And why, if I'm not - must I find out if someone else is? Like, I know we established last week that I probably have romantic crush - which for the record - why the fuck do I even have that? It seemingly came out of nowhere. Why???? The outcome of that was kind of obvious - I'm not a communist chinese ponytown gf, rejection was always going to be the final result of that. Why do I seemingly regret everything negative that I've done, and think about those moments to be the reason that I'm in current predictment I'm in??? Like come on...I know maybe I could have been better, but I doubt he even remembers most of it. And even if he did, would he really not just tell me now that he's affected by it? It's weird...I never used to really worry about my friend could have been doing, at least when it came to standard life. If anything, he seemingly used to be the one to initate conversation, and ask if he wanted to talk. Maybe he's just used to that behaviour from me, and while I made efforts to try and make it so we both are open - it never reached a point to where he expected me to be a yapper. So, what changed? Am I just worried about losing my best friend that much? Do I feel that way because he never really asks to talk as much as he used to? Why do I even think about losing them? Is it because that deep down, I am just someone who is that boring, bland, unsure on what to say, and disinterested in most things? My personality has kind of always been like that. I don't really talk a lot, unless in certain circumstances. I guess it's just easier to talk when you don't know that much about someone. Maybe it isn't because they don't want to talk, it's because there's just not a lot to talk about. There's a understanding that the two of us, have gone through so much shit. We appreciate each other's existence - and there needs to be no verbal acknowledgement of that. Maybe I just need new friends, oh and probably therapy as well. I mentioned Pinkie Pride yesterday - but I guess this also reminds me of Uncommon Bond. You have an old friend, the both of you were close as fuck and talked all the time. A bunch of time has past (admittedly, we were never apart), and now both of you have changed to where there's not a lot of common ground between the two of you. There's other people that seemingly have these bonds - and it feels like they end up getting along much better. You almost think - well damn, what can I do at this point? Maybe it's better to just end the friendship altogether. We still have Grapefruit and Lighty though. We may have different ideas and thoughts about the lore and how she acts - but the both of us are very passionate about them and we still bond over that. These are characters that we helped design, create stories and roleplay out scenarios during certain points in their lives. It's silly for sure - but it's fun. They mean a lot of different things to me - but one I have thought about is it's a look into a different reality. It's something that can never really happen due to the stigmas and prejudices of the world - but in those moments, it's perfectly okay.
- Ponka
Drifting...
2024-07-21
I had another day where I didn't really do well. I basically laid in bed all day, and would either sleep or be sad. I did get out of bed to speak with a friend, and then again to head out to the gym. Maybe a part of my problem is that I dwell inside for too long. Sometimes I force myself to go out, even if I have absolutely no idea what to do. But I should maybe do that more - the exercise, the outside breeze (even if it's cold) and just trying to distract myself from my thoughts. I had a thought that maybe I should go to the gym more. I used to go 5 times a week - and I'd push pretty hard to do stuff. But now I only go around 4 times a week, and I'm more suspectible to not going if I don't feel like it, or have some kind of outside commitment. I do feel good after being at the gym, even if it's just a temporary feeling from a release of endorphins. I used to have a grander goal in going to the gym, striving for a certain physique. But now, I just kind of go out of force of habit. My diet certainly doesn't really support going for a certain physique. Maybe the feeling would stay if I tried harder. Or maybe I should do the things suggested to me (but let's be honest, I won't.)
I wish I didn't constantly think about my friends in a way to where I feel jealous, manic and abandoned. Well, I say friends but it's really just the one friend I really feel this way towards. I'm not sure why I have started feeling so strongly about this...do I feel threatened by other people he hangs out with? Is it because of a realisation that I have some sort of romantic crush on them, which will never really go anywhere? Is it my own insecurities? I am worried about feeling this towards them. I've had similar feelings in the past towards people - and that has eventually led to our relationship breaking off. That would be devastating if that happened - I really don't know how I would deal with that. I think there was a long period of time where I was really the only close, important person in their life, when their life had fallen apart. And honestly? I think there's a part of me that realises that maybe I didn't always treat that with the importance it should have. I know I'm being negative here, but my brain can only rememnber the shit where I was kind of a dick when I should not have been. I guess none of us are perfect. I'm really glad that they've gotten back on their feet, and have turned their life around into something much better. I suppose we're not too different. Maybe my life never fell off, but I've become a much more lonely person and he tended to be the only person I was really close with in my life for a long period of my life. I guess maybe I'm just not used to the idea that maybe this is the beginning of the end, and that it's time to move on. Maybe not that we'll stop being as close as we are, but that they'll form other close, special bonds with other people. I should learn that people can have other relationships and that doesn't mean they've stopped caring about you, or that they won't love you less for being around more people. It reminds me a little of the Pinkie Pride episode. She felt so strongly about doing Rainbow Dash's party alone - but when another pony that I don't really want to name comes in...she feels terrible and just wants to give up. I suppose maybe I need to take the lesson of that episode to heart. There can be more, and the more the merrier. We want you to have the best life. I'll still love you even if we drift apart, Twibro.
Gosh, I feel so immature for my age. I know everyone ages differently, and that everybody has different maturity levels - but fuck, this feels way below my age. I'm not even sure if the idea of writing all this is so good. I don't know. Power Rangers is honestly kinda cool - it never really interested me when I was younger, but there's a certain charm to watching it. It just feels so nostagila, and the amount of cheese, the low budget effects and animation - reminds me of the days when I used to watch Saturday Morning cartoons, that was always fun. It also helps when someone who is clearly very passionate about it continuously gushes about it - if a piece of media can make you feel so strongly happy, then I can't help but say it's good.
- Ponka
The Perils of Loneliness, Jealously and Cynicalism
2024-07-20
It really sucks. Just last week, I was having an amazing holiday with a bunch of friends, including my best friend - and I was just overall having a wonderful time. But now? I'm back at home, just constantly thinking about better times - and imagining even better times that my friends are having without me. I really shouldn't be feeling this way. I'm genuinely glad that they are going out with their friends, and are making even more memories. It's what I want for them. Genuinely. I would even sacrifice my own happiness for them to continue this. But still, I get an abrupt uneasing, looming feeling of dread thinking about they'll hang out with people who aren't me. Maybe I need to try therapy - it's an expensive route but maybe I can come up with some mechanism to help figure out how to deal with these feelings properly. Maybe I could even work up the courage to meet some new people - then I can be too busy to even think about petty stuff like this. Pinkie Pie is probably my biggest inspiration of all time, even if we are different - I want to have an attitude and mood like Pinkie Pie, and eventually have a legacy like that. But, I'm introverted and I struggle with the idea of even talking to people. I know she wouldn't be disappointed, but gosh, it makes me feel like such a failure sometimes. I was given the suggestion of going up to people - and like it's not purely a terrible idea - but Australia doesn't tend to have that kind of culture where many people like being approached just for the sake of talking...and also, I guess selfishly I feel like a lot of those interactions would be the only time we talk, because ultimately neither of us are going to be interested enough in the other...I guess I'm still far away from Pinkie's attitude. I suppose it's a fictional character, who has quite an exaggrated personality that was created for the sake of a television show to sell children's toys, but the capitalism worked on me I suppose. I'm pretty cynical as well - I never tend to take any serious risks in being social, if I feel like it's just going to end in something negative. Even if a positive result could dramatically change my life for the better. I suppose, it could be worse. I'm genuinely thankful for the friends I do already have. Thank you for dealing with me your kindness, your humour, the memories we create together and for making this massive world feel less lonely. I hope that I make a positive change in your lives, even if minimal.
- Ponka
Hey...if you're somehow here, and you reached this point...thanks for reading <3